Even Superman Has Kryptonite
We rise with the anxiety of the day and then hang our heads in defeat every night. We drudge through our day to day life and think this is just how it is. Constantly feeling inadequate and undeserving. We walk through this life with no expectation from anyone else but with every expectation resting on our shoulders. We act like tough bitches who can do and face any obstacle while wearing heels with a smile but meanwhile on the inside we are screaming, "For the love of God someone notice I'm drowning!"
I am probably the worst offender. I can't stand help, it makes me feel like a charity case. I will do everything in my power to get things done or handled before I ask for help in anyway. I'm no one's burden and I'm too much of a prideful person to accept help. I push myself beyond breaking points. Piling on responsibilities as a way to not face myself or the void that I am left with inside. I cry, I crumble, I bathe in my own tears at the end of the day. My mascara streaked pillow cases are evidence of my brokenness. I crusade through my days with a bright smile to mask my insecurities and anxieties. Fighting back the thoughts of how I might screw my kids up or worse how I might screw myself up into an unhealthy state of mind. Constantly thinking of how every decision I make could affect our fragile little family.
I live with the anxiety that I'll never be good enough and I'm pretty sure the therapy bills my children accrue in the future will be mostly due to mommy issues. I should really start saving for those now. But being a mom is no joke and being a single mom is even more demanding. Doing double duty. Being friend and foe, mommy and daddy, good cop and bad cop, Bob Villa and Donna Reed. I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up at least one of those roles. I just can't bring myself to ask for help and when people offer, it makes me uncomfortable. So what do I do with this anxiety?
Well honestly, I'm currently experiencing life in several WTF's per hour so I don't have all the answers but what I am sure of is this, as long as my kids stay my first priority with their needs and some of their wants met its the best I can do. And if help is needed to get there, learn to graciously accept it. If we can at least do that, lets cut ourselves some slack. Lets stop trying to be everything to everyone and focus on our main job, being mom. Lets say no to obligations that take away too much of ourselves and our time. Lets ask for help when we get stuck. Everyone needs help, everyone needs a break, everyone needs to break. And it's OK. We are not perfect and when you're heavy laden things are bound to fall off or become unraveled. The important thing is to remember that this chapter in our life refines us but does not define us. My hope is that one day I will look back on this season in my life and be grateful for this time. Because, I swear, if I look back and see that all this is for not...I'm gonna be pissed.