I fear for how my kids are adjusting. I fear about what they might miss out on with only a single parent, I fear how their internal dialogue is conversing and hope it is not blaming in it's words.
I fear that I am messing up. That I am one 'forgot-to-pack-a-lunch' away from a daughter who believes a pole and stilehettoes are in her future. I watch them. Carefully examining their words and actions to find any under-tones of maladjustment. I wait.
While on the other side I fear for myself. I fear the crazy lurks just beyond every anxiety attack thought. I work into a frinzy trying to balance life, school, work, kids, and any other left over me time. Trying to push away the thoughts of failure as a solo mission mom.
I carry the weight of four lives. One of them being my own and the other three being centerof my universe. It is intimidating and terrifying knowing their success all rests on me. I buils their foundation, the innervoice that talks with them through life will be mine. I will echo in their mind and heart even after I have left this world.
I fear for my own life. WIll I be alone forever? I hear people always saying, "...but you're so pretty and smart, there's someone out there for you." First of all I don't want just anyone and how long am I suppose to wait? Can't I just set a deadline and if I don't meet him by then I get my first cat complementary cat?
I fear I will find no one and then I fear I will find someone. And when I do one of the two things will happen. He'll be great, everything I could ever want or need. After we are cozy and comfortable with eachother and things become monotoious and my wit has worn thin. He'll pack his shit up and leave. They all leave. Or the second scenario, I find someone and I spend the rest of my life with the wrong person. Waisting my life with a midiocre version of what I had been excited to find potential in. I find projects, but the projects end up working me.
I have my own issues and I come with plenty of baggage. But I sit here and feel my chest tighten at these very thoughts I just described. Will there ever be a light at the end of this tunnel? Someone get me a flashlight because I am tired of living through this darkness.
A wondering soul leads to a misfit life. I'm just trying to find a map and a compass before it's too late.