The Un-Used Uterus

Today, I'm going to talk about my uterus. My un-filled uterus. The uterus that has housed and nourished 3 tiny bodies to full gestation. It is now a vacant lot.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to be pregnant now nor constantly neither. However, I will be frank here, because that is all I know how to be. I want a baby. My youngest is getting big and preparing for school. I am entering my 30's and the clock is now having a resounding gong-like sound to its ticking. I don't have as much time as I used to.

Realistically having a baby now would be difficult. And honestly, if I were a single mom again there would be no way I would even consider it. The reasons for wanting another baby, I understand, are purely selfish.

My three pregnancies were encircled with scandal and drama. An affair was doomed to occur every time the stick turned pink. I was constantly in fear of losing my then husband, or my the baby due to the stress. Constantly doubting my worth. The joyous events that should be resounding in my memories from pregnancy and the first year of my babies' lives are all but a muddy black cloud. I can hardly remember events or milestones that took place during their early years because of the stress and depression.

In a since, I would like to rewrite what a healthy pregnancy and relationship would look like. I want to have that kind of connection with my husband now. I love all of our kids, and wishing for another wouldn't negate those feelings. However, there is something about having your child share your DNA along with your love's DNA. Silly probably to some, but I can't help this voice in my head every time we argue, "It's easier for him to leave if he wants. No child custody arrangements, cleaner." And it's true, without that link, it would make for an easier and cleaner big "D". The bond of sharing a child maternally and paternally is something that is different than choosing to raise a child a few years into their life span. I am not down playing how important that choice is. Nor would I say that it is any less rewarding to parent and raise children that did not come from my womb.

The relentless want and seeking of a deeper connection like that is something I don't know how to shut off. I wish I could. It would make life so much easier. A baby of my own will not be in my forecast for probably ever. I will live. I will turn the want into something else. Pick up a hobby of some sort. Donate my eggs. I don't know. This will just be another thing I will have to compartmentalize and stuff in the back of my mind.

When I figure out how to deal with this. When I find the silver lining, I'll let you all know.


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