Finding Myself in the Shower

  If you are like me, finding time to be alone is next to impossible with children. I get about a 10 to 15 minute window of ‘me time’ a day and that is in the shower. This is where I get the only consistent ‘me time’. To reflect on my days, plan for the future, cry, have an anxiety attack, and self-reflect. As troubling as that shower time description is, it has been the most beneficial time for me. In that porcelain sled I have learned more about me and who I am than the 10 different therapists’ couches I have sat on. The shower curtain closing out the world that lies beyond it, the shower head spraying its water like a holy baptism washing away my broken pieces as the drain carries them out of my soul. I sit, I stand, and I slump over in my bareness literally and metaphorically. This is where I can be bare.

            In the shower I have rediscovered my love for music. Acknowledged that helping others is something I needed to do to feel well in my soul. Brainstormed how I can make a difference.  Fell in love with my beautiful imperfect curves. I have solved worldly problems and some of my relationship problems. Diagnosed myself with depression and bipolar disorder and then rejected said diagnoses. I have prayed and bartered with God in this porcelain chapel. Sang loudly and proudly while jumping around to my favorite songs. I have accepted my flaws and rejoiced in my awkward personality. It is my sanctuary. If you do not have such a place I strongly encourage you to find one.

            I listen to the echoes in my head and the resonating pulse of my heart pieces. They chirp separately and concern me when they chime in unison, because when they agree I know I have to listen and change. In this white cave I have rehashed my entire existence. And I would love to share what I have learned.

            And it’s as simple as this; I am still in need of repair. I have nothing figured out; I get no guaranteed happiness, sometimes my life is going to suck, my circumstances are not fair. But I have also learned I am strong, I am an overcomer, I make my own happiness, I have some of the happiest and momentous things in my life, and although my circumstances may not be fair they are mine and I have a choice in how I deal with them. There is more to me than this chapter in my life. This Melissa Campbell Life novel is not finished yet. And as long as I still have a pulse among these arterial pieces my world is still turning, and choices can still be made, and circumstances can still change.